About a year ago, my biggest dream was to marry you. We
would start a life together. I will quit my job and just be a wife. I will just
contentedly manage my business so I could be an effective wife. How old am I
that time? 23? I never thought of the life ahead without you.
We were both excited about you working abroad. I knew you would grow. I know you would
find out that independence is thrilling.
You would know that life is not “mom-give-me-this-please“thing.
You would work hard for what you want.
You would meet many people. It will
test your patience. It will test
your courage. However, I would stay. You would still be here. We would work
it out. I trusted that you would
come back.
But I never thought of your plan B. we never had a plan B,
did we? You were too caught up in the moment that you have forgotten our
boundaries. You have forgotten me. Maybe you got excited about that
independence thingy. Maybe you got lonely and I was not there physically. Or maybe,
I was never part of your plan B.
And if this will make you feel better, I was completely
lost. And for the first time in my life, you gave me something to mourn over.
The future children. The future house in Baguio. Me quitting my job and just
focusing on business. Everything we planned. You screwed it all up.
But let me take that last sentence back.
You saved me. You
saved me from future heartaches. God
used you to make me realize what I want and I don’t want in this life. And
for that, consider this as a thank you letter from “new” me to “new” you.
I realized I have these dreams that I should be pursuing
instead of dreaming to be a mother of three. I never knew this heartache that
you brought into my life will help me grow.
I realized I am right about “independence is thrilling”. Life is not about “mom-he-broke-my-heart-and-I-wanna-die“ thing.
I realized that I need to work hard for what I want and that
is to live my life with no regrets. I am glad I’ve met a lot of people since you’ve been gone. I am patient and
courageous. You should realize how much courage I have on my bones to let go of
that 6 long years relationship and that future my old self has created around
you. I need to tap my back for that.
I realized I would
stay. Not with you but with myself. That I will still be intact and I was never
really broken. I did work it out. I did dug my way out. And I trusted myself,
that I will come back. I did. Believe me I did come back.
So what’s the sense of this writing? Not much really. I just
wanted you to know that I could be in flying pieces. I could be torn. I could
love again. Someone could break my heart again. But you know what? I have found
my joy. God gave me a life with a purpose. And I’m gonna stick to that.
Whatever happens, I couldn’t be swayed. And you were just a lesson I learned
the hard way.
So to the first love that will never be my last, I wish you
well.
